It's been a bit since I've blogged as anyone who reads this knows. My thoughts have been very scattered of late. I've been thinking about the future... maybe more than I should. Over the past several years, I have earnestly tried to pass through as many doors as God has set in my path. There have been many, and I have not been afraid. Movement leaves no time for fear or doubt.. at least for me.
Since the end of the year and finishing many months of directing, I stopped.
I had a brief moment of excitement. Excitement for the unknown, for whatever it was that was coming next. While it was a nice feeling, it was, like most "feelings", transitory. I find myself now sifting through the lake of self-reflection. I don't regret any choices in my life. They have all led me to this place, to the people in my life, to the many things that give joy to me on a daily basis.
I don't know why I have such difficulty with these transitory periods, but nonetheless, they give me much grief. Revisiting old dreams can bring with them overwhelming feelings, nostalgic and sweet, but sometimes sad and lonely. We all go through them. I do not know of any person, married or single, in any realm of life, profession or age that, at some point, doesn't yearn for something else..
I'm fairly certain that one of the reasons for my abrupt stop is fear. Some of the ideas I have been entertaining about the future are exceedingly foreign and, I fear to many, very silly. I have not given up praying that God will still bring my intended, a DH, as Dorinda refers to. I still dream of a family, but I know God's timing is not my timing. And. In the meantime... what is a girl to do?! "A life lived in fear is a life half-lived." I *do* believe that. I'm just not sure in what direction I am to point my feet.
Emily Dickinson said, "Dwell in possibilities."
I agree with her. I just don't want to dwell there too long. I still believe movement is good... as long as it is not in vain.. taking me somewhere I am not meant to be. Wherever that is. What do *you* think?